Question:
My college daughter is the maid of honor in her friends wedding. She is hosting the bridal shower luncheon for 25 guests at a restuarant, even though she is not in any financial position to give a bridal shower at all. On the invitation she stated, "Lunch responsibility per guest." Is this okay?
Answer:
Dear Diane,
RED ALERT!
First things first. Get in touch with your daughter immediately and tell her to put a hold on those invitations.
The reason? It's a breach of shower etiquette to ask guests (who have already purchased wedding and shower gifts) to pony up for food, drinks, or any other shower expense unless they've expressly agreed to do so ahead of time. Since this is a celebration of college women, it stands to reason that many -- if not most -- of the invitees are just as financially challenged as your daughter.
But not to worry! We have workarounds.
First, if you daughter hasn't already mailed the invitations, have her call each invitee in advance and quietly ask if they are willing and able to contribute to a restaurant tab. Since attendees are all in the same college boat, they are likely to understand the need and not feel insulted.
The problem with the invitation as it now stands is that it presents a double bind to invitees who are already counting their pennies. It isn't really a party if they're expected to pay to attend, especially after they've already purchased a gift. There's no such thing as a party -- especially a bridal shower -- where guests are expected to pay for anything. Ever.
However, there are exceptions and your daughter's case is one of them. If the invitees queried are happy to contribute to the restaurant bill please encourage your daughter to take the "lunch responsibility per guest" off the invitation. That way the invitation itself, which becomes one of the Bride-to-Be's lifetime keepsakes, says nothing about how the shower was financed. In fact, if possible, the Bride-to-Be should never have any idea how this magical event came into being.
If there's time, your daughter could work this alternative:
- Find out from the restaurant how much a set menu would cost to serve;
- If affordable, divide the cost ahead of time between the guests (if they've agreed); and
- Get the money upfront and pay the restaurant before the shower. That way the Bride-to-Be won't witness any money transactions at her shower.
Money can make people uncomfortable especially when having to live on a tight budget.
For that reason, if guests don't have extra cash to kick in for a restaurant tab (the cost of the bride's meal gets included), have your daughter forego the restaurant plan and opt instead to hold the shower at someone's home, in a conference room, or student lounge at the college. The expense of decorations can be kept to a minimum. After all, it's the loving experience that counts. Everybody knows and won't care that there's no budget to rent a party suite at the Four Seasons!
Your daughter can serve inexpensive fingers foods such as nuts, trail mix, cheeses, breads, sesame sticks, sodas, wine, colorful veggies and dip and sliced fruit. A simple three-tiered cake tray of fancy cupcakes could serve as the shower cake. Colorful frosting on the cupcakes can double as your daughter's table centerpiece. This is how your daughter can give a shower with pizzazz but not break her tender budget.
If, in advance of the shower, invitees gladly pony up for a refreshment fund, that's all to the good! Have her poll the invitees as to which they can best afford if they're willing to chip in. The Bride-to-Be's wishes as to venue usually rule, but I'm willing to bet she's clear on the financial plight of her shower sisters and won't object to what will work best for her Maid of Honor. Can your daughter enlist a couple of the invitees to help her get everything coordinated? This would take a lot of pressure off her.
Your daughter deserves Diva Kudos because she's going all out as Maid of Honor for her beloved friend. She's doing her level best to create a loving shower experience that all will remember for a lifetime.
This momentary mix up on the handling of shower expenses is a common experience. Your daughter shouldn't panic even if she's already mailed the invitations. She can call each shower guest and explain what happened as a "mix up" and ask guests if they are okay with kicking in cash.
If she hasn't mailed the invites, she has time to redo the invitations and invite guests to another venue. That way she can opt for the inexpensive finger food-and-cupcakes alternative. If your daughter gets into gear now and speaks to each guest individually, these great women will more than likely come through and help throw a fabulous shower!
Happy Showering,
Susan "The Shower Diva"
Where Fun Reigns!™
