Question:
BACKGROUND: My fiance's maid of honor is planning on doing a surprise bridal shower and has enlisted my help. She is flying in from cross-country, so her plan for the shower is to host it at a restaurant. I have two aunts that would be willing to offer a home to host it in.
MY ISSUE: She wrote to me in an e-mail, "The more I research the more it says that if it's in a public space then it's not the responsibility of the maid of honor to assume the check. I'm going to be tactful in the invite and if it ends up being a small party I'll pick up the check, if not everyone can be on their own/just join for dessert but it won't be a surprise."
MY TWO CENTS: From everything I've read over the last hour, if the maid of honor is going to host the shower, she should do so within her budget. It seems poor form, to me, to exclude the less financially capable guests from the lunch portion of the shower. If she had no other options (my relative's houses), I could understand. But, one of my aunts has expressed an interest in hosting a shower as well, so that isn't an issue.
MY QUESTION: Should I press the issue with her, pointing out that staying within her budget is a good idea and stressing that others would like to help host? Any other advice is appreciated.
Answer:
Dear Kyle,
It is the Maid of Honor's duty to organize the bride's shower and to foot the bill for all expenses. It doesn't matter if the shower is a luncheon that takes place in a restaurant or is staged in someone's home. The rule: No guest ever pays for anything. Not EVER. The only time a guest, family members or friends pay for party expenses is if they volunteer in advance -- sans coercion from the Maid of Honor.
I'm sure your fiance's Maid of Honor means well and only wants to insure that the bride is treated to the most lavish surprise shower possible, but when checking her assertions against traditional etiquette sources, throwing a bridal shower that financially obligates guests is a huge No-No.
You're research is also correct on this point -- It's bad form to stage a party where some of the guests may be excluded due to monetary concerns. In fact, the groom isn't expected to be on the hook to pay for anything either. Again, it's the Maid of Honor's duty. In fact, one of the first things a Maid of Honor needs to do before accepting the job is to assess whether or not she can afford to perform her duties. If not, she needs to advise the Bride right away so that the Bride is able to select another Maid of Honor if she so chooses. (If a woman is unable to serve as Maid of Honor, there is never any blame or shame involved).
The groom can participate in the bride's shower if he volunteers, and this happens quite commonly today because the new trend in showers is to go co-ed. In this case, the groom and his entourage volunteer financial help upfront -- they aren't canvassed for it.
Here's something else the Maid of Honor isn't taking into account and it really hits the core. Each shower guest will have already shelled out as much he or she possibly can on a wedding gift and new apparel to wear to the party if needed. We all know that weddings and elegant attire are costly. Not just for the bride, groom and their entourages, but for every one of the guests. In today's economy, every dollar counts. If a shower invitee is experiencing financial challenges and is relegated to the sidelines of the luncheon, that person will be made to feel small. That should never happen.
Finally, standard wedding etiquette is quite clear on who pays for what from a couple's engagement straight through to the honeymoon. You have decades of wedding tradition on your side to back up your point. Kindly broach the subject with the Maid of Honor and let her know that you prefer that she go with traditional shower rules. Let her know that your two aunts are ready, willing and able to offer their homes and their help to stage the surprise luncheon. She's a lady and I'm sure she'll get the hint.
Congratulations, Kyle!
We're wishing you and your Bride-to-Be a lifetime of love and happiness!
Happy Showering,
Susan "The Shower Diva"
Where Fun Reigns!™
